to define is to limit

            Loss of appetite. Anxiety. Inability to sleep. Agitation. Crying. Weight loss. Hopelessness. That’s the big one. So, let me repeat it again. Hopelessness. The word alone is enough to make your heart sink. All of these achey and disheartening words add up to one: Depression. It’s hard to get up in the mornings. The stomach is constantly unsettled and excessive thoughts are the enemy. Guilt lingers and anxiety suffocates. The exhaustion settles in and the crying begins. And just when it feels like there’s no more room for all of these joy-sucking demons, the noticeable weight loss and the inability to pull everything together joins the struggle to find positivity. Hopelessness.

            The demons got worse and worse as the months went on. I was second guessing everything. I was nervous and anxious every day. I cried so hard sometimes I had to pull my bed covers over my mouth and nose to catch my breath.  I turned to things that would never help pull me through the darkness. I was so focused on who liked me or didn’t like me (when half the time, I had the overwhelming feeling that everyone already disliked me). My hair started looking dull and thin. I got really skinny. I can remember crying in the mirror because my pants were baggy and my shirts were swallowing me. I worried so much about everyone around me which made the anxiety worse because I couldn’t get myself better, and now everybody was noticing. I gave up on God for a little while. I’m not proud to say it. I figured what’s the point. Nothing is working out. I’ve pushed myself away.  There’s really no point.

           

            I got a little bit of medical help, but that will never be as much help as my family and friends have been. I felt so skeptical on how I was going to get out of the deep and dark hole. I started praying again. I’m not sure what pushed me to do it, but I’m glad that it happened. I tried to keep myself busy on focusing on positives, took deep breaths when I felt the tears forming, and took up exercising every night. While all of these activities were stepping stones towards being healthy again, don’t let them distract you from the most important. 

Prayer. God is mighty. God is loving….God is love. God is always for you and He can do the impossible. It was an amazing relief when the words were formed in my head. “Depression does not define you.” Wow. Depression DOES NOT define me. There's a quote by Oscar Wilde: "To define is to limit." I will not limit myself by making depression my definition. I am a child of God. I was not created to live depressed or defeated. I was created to be victorious, to be joyous in the presence of God. I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Say it out loud. If you’re struggling with depression, if you’re struggling with your self-worth, or if you’re struggling with loving yourself, say it. YOU are a child of God. YOU are not created to live depressed or defeated. YOU were created to be victorious, to be joyous in the presence of God. You are beautiful, my friend. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4).  I did not begin writing this so that I could whine about my hard time. I began writing this because God deserves the glory for all the amazing things He does for us. I began writing this because God loves YOU and you deserve to be reminded of that. If you’re facing a struggle, it is okay. You are so worthy and so loved. Don’t let your obstacles define you. Don’t listen to the voice of the demons that fill you with guilt, worries, and discouragement. Listen to the voice of your God. The voice that fills you with love, hope, joy, comfort, and encouragement….you listen to that voice, because that voice, my friend, is the voice of truth. Do not be afraid.

I will choose faith over fear! I will meditate on what is positive and what is good about my situation. I will use my energy not to worry but to believe. Fear has no part in my life. I will not dwell on negative, discouraging thoughts. My mind is set on what God says about me. I know His plan for me is for success, victory, and abundance.